“What destroys a relationship is not what we argue about but what we do not talk about.”
This line is the bane of my existence. In my attempts to keep peace I have preferred brushing issues under the carpet, instead of communicating and clearing the air. It has cost me my peace of mind, tarnished my relationships. Worst of all, this has created a very wrong perception of who I truly am. No one really knows what I want, what my needs are. I did not know what I really want! How could I expect the other person to know me. I have worn this mask for so long, my true self was lost in the rubble.
Meditation, Non-violent communication have helped me peel the layers, know myself. To clear the many years of accumulated garbage is herculean. If the relationship is important then the efforts will follow. Marshal Rosenberg suggests that when we are deeply hurt or angry, it is better to focus on what need is alive in us at that moment. Focus on that moment alone and offer self-empathy first. Then reach out to the other and communicate your present need. Keep the focus on the present need, don’t dwell on the past. This can become easy with practice and by never forgetting the value of the relationship.
Dr.Adizes says, “The worst energy sucker is hate. It ages us prematurely….Do not try to understand. Just forgive….But here is the catch: The more you love a person, the more difficult it may feel to forgive them….Why is it not easy to forgive those we love or those we expect to love us? Because of expectations.”
The solution to the above is the tricky one😊! Dr. Adizes says, “My suggestion: Change your mindset. Stop expecting from others the excellence you expect from yourself.”
This to me is loaded with arguments, debates and contradictions! How is a relationship, a lasting one, possible without any expectations? And changing the mindset to me presented a grave risk of having to detach myself! Expectations are inbuilt in close relationships is what I believe. The closer the bond, more the expectations. We can temper them or communicate our expectations and not hold a grudge if they are not met, this seems plausible to me. To throw expectations out of the window: I am not there yet.
To expect is to give power to whatever or whomever you expect anything from. It disempowers you. You become a prisoner or your expectations. And no prisoner is happy in their prison. – This set me thinking, a prisoner?!
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