You cannot think and feel at the same time.
In the recent past, I have been amid heated arguments, squabbles and misunderstandings, more frequently than I would like to acknowledge! Maybe that is why I resonate with this line; you cannot think and feel at the same time.
As the argument ensued I often found myself switching off, half hearing and processing my own response. Or worse, I felt myself simmering about some unrelated topic, with some other person!
Dr. Adizes writes, The modern human can hear but not really listen, or can listen but not really feel what is being said. And it all causes problems of communication, especially in intimate relations. As we argue some painful subject, we are so busy feeling, we do not hear. And if we do, we do not listen. The result: a conversation of emotionally deaf people.
So, what was the solution I wondered? In an emotionally charged state if communicating is not possible, is listening possible? How can a hurt person listen to the other, without venting? Here is where NVC came to my rescue. If the relationship is important then it is best to take a pause, a step back after conveying the message to the significant other. And the message is an honest request, “This is important to me, and I need time to process this so I can articulate it the right way. Can we please pick this up tomorrow.” Use this pause for self-empathy, and if possible, try and step into the other person’s shoes too. In case you are not able to understand the perspective of the significant other, no worries. It is more important that you empty yourself and are willing to listen to the other when you pick up the conversation next time.
To hear, you need not be distracted by other noises (especially the noises of the disruptive monkey mind!). To listen, you have to be present and have your mind where your body is. To feel, you have to listen. Stop trying to understand (finding the logic, reason and rhyme-which is again the antics of the monkey mind) and just Feel.
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