My friend narrated an interesting anecdote which wonderfully highlights Marshal Rosenberg’s Non-violent communication. First, about non-violent communication in a nutshell. Marshal Rosenberg’s NVC rests on four pillars, Observation, Feelings, Needs and Requests.
Observe without bias, opinion and judgement. Be neutral, mindful of your body language, and tone. Be in the present. Follow the observation with your feelings and needs. They should be connected, related to the observation made, and how the observation expressed makes you feel. These feelings give rise to certain unmet needs. We communicate our needs without any intent to hurt or ill will for the other. Lastly, to see that these feelings are pacified, needs are met, we need to come to a meeting point. That’s the last step, placing the request. And like the observation, request is in the present, doable and with absolute acceptance of a denial from the other person.
Now for the narrative: my friend was invited to her parents’ place, with her in-laws. The food was too spicy, and the in-laws were unable to relish even a morsel. The mother- in-law took my friend and her mother to task, paying no heed to how her words were impacting my already contrite friend and her family. They started on an apologetic note, but the mother-in-law ‘censure only riled them, and they were bristling with anger and indignation, barely keeping themselves in check, and no longer remorseful.
Whereas the father-in-law said only four lines to my friend’s father, “Unfortunately, we don’t eat much spice and could not relish all the wonderful dishes prepared so painstakingly. Spice does not sit well with either of us. We immediately suffer stomach ulcers. Could you please reduce the spice next time or maybe serve more yogurt or buttermilk?
The friend’s father was so taken aback, he immediately ordered ‘Misthi Doi’ and promised a non-spicy meal always. Two people in the living room were happily enjoying Misthi-doi, whereas three others in the kitchen were simmering with anger and resentment.
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