During most of my NVC sessions, I kept pondering and ruminating over what I do consciously, and what escapes me sub consciously because of my conditioning. I tried to work on myself and come to that conscious competence state on the competence grid, I mentioned in my recent posts. This journey proved to be intense, trying and challenging to say the least. I felt the same way when I had newly started practicing meditation, and when I tried to implement James Clear’s atomic habits, maybe to a lesser degree. Mind played all kinds of tricks to derail me, and I did derail a sometimes. One reason I derailed the greatest number of times was the chapter on power, which invariably made me doubt my parenting skills.
I observed that in a conversation I was a circuit breaker 7 out of 10 times. I became conscious of the fact that my conversations, when expressing my need would 9 out of 10 times dig up the past. My need in the present moment somehow got lost in the mire of my past unmet needs, and I might have expressed the present need maybe once or one and half times. My requests were demands sugar coated as requests. The jackal in the head dominated and I succumbed to it, whilst trying to behave like a giraffe. Especially if it was a request made to my children, or people who I hold dear and have expectations from. My requests were my derailers, because I invariably forgot the cardinal rule of requests, “Acceptance of a rejection”. My kids saying no to my ‘requests’ was not acceptable at all! A horrible, life alienating dialogue ensued the minute I sensed a rejection, “How dare they... Who do they think they are… They need to learn manners… I deserve more respect…”
Marshal Rosenberg asks us to envision what comes to mind when we think of the word power. My mind came up with control, dominate, command, rule and similar synonyms. All these synonyms told me that, power meant to have the ability or capacity to do something or act in a particular way and be in a position to direct or influence the behaviour of others or the course of events, to my liking because of my position of power or authority over the other.
Power over – This is what I subconsciously practiced every day, till NVC happened. I dominate or have authority as a parent, boss, mentor and I exercise it with impunity. More dominant the relationship, subtler and more natural is the role of power over the other. And subconsciously I rob the power of choice from the other person.
Marshal Rosenberg suggests power with which enables, both the parties to have an equal role, and voice. This in turn enables that the onus and responsibility lies with both the parties too. A conscious step to work with the other, and rule over the other. This helps the feeling of ‘must do’ ‘have to do’ ‘should do’ as there is no compulsion to accede to the request of the other person. A open hearted hearing with connection is the only ask. They can then express their thoughts and needs and perform actions willingly, not under duress. The fear of losing the other person’s love ceases, as the other person has let go of the ‘insistence of ‘my way’’. The focus remains on connection, mutual trust and respect. This ‘power with’ approach helps doing things together or on our own, with joy and willingness.
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