Requests is the last tool of NVC. We have traversed a long way starting with observation without judgement, identifying the feelings and the triggers which give rise to the said feelings, and digging deeper to identify the unmet needs, which are at the root of everything. Request is to help us meet that unmet need we have identified.
Being able to make a request as suggested by Marshal Rosenberg is the most difficult part. This step comes with some conditions and putting it to practice seems implausible, especially in the heat of the moment. Once we master this tool, then NVC becomes our natural language for life. The road ahead is enriching and has freedom of expression in all our relationships.
I am staying with the same examples for the sake of continuity. I hope the reader feels comfortable and gains confidence to put this to practice. This is not an unachievable lofty goal meant for a selected few. I reiterate that this is a difficult language, and I also reaffirm that this is within our grasp, if we are willing and determined to put it to practice.
Request is moving one step towards meeting the need. Few pointers whilst making a request are - Requests in NVC are positive. Requests are in the present moment, request is doable. Request is with the intent of keeping the connection alive.
My favorite NVC trainer Yoram Mosenzon says in his workshops, “Ask for the moon, and be prepared to receive a No in response.” This is the most vital point to be kept in mind when making a request. The willingness to listen to a no, in response to the request made. Because the purpose of the request is not to get your way, the purpose of the request is to take one step in the direction which is most likely to meet your need.
For example, my request to my daughter can be something like, “I noticed that the laundry bag in your room has not been emptied for the last three days. The books are on the floor, and the bed was not made yesterday and today. I feel frustrated when I see an unmade bed, the books on the floor and the laundry bag full. A clean room helps me. I seek order, predictability and things in their respective place are calming for me. I find it easier to find things, and it saves me a lot of time, and mental space. Would it be okay if we can talk about this now or in the evening and see if we can come to some mutual understanding, please. Does it work for you?”
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