This is a continuation of the previous post titled, NVC-Observation. I thought it may be more useful if I talk a little about what is not observation. And when what we say becomes an evaluation which may result in severing the connection or not help in meeting our need. This may help us build our awareness and become conscious of our expressions, whether they are an observation or an evaluation.
Marshal Rosenberg says, when we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear a criticism. This puts them on a defensive mode and the message loses the connection; it defeats its purpose. To continue with the example of labelling my daughter as ‘lazy’ or ‘irresponsible’, this beautiful prose of Marshal Rosenberg’s expresses what my daughter might be going through when I label her in that way:
“Tell me when you are disappointed, With the unfinished chores you see,
for calling me ‘irresponsible’ Is no way to motivate me.”
My generalizing did not help matters with my team member. By judging the colleague’s delay as ‘always late’ I did not have any backing for my evaluation. I am not taking responsibility for my judgement of that team-member’s late arrival. The observation as per NVC can be better phrased as, “This is the third time you have come late to a meeting in the last five days. Hope all is well with you. I am afraid we will not be able to finish all the points of discussion and miss deadlines.” Here I am making a specific observation, and I am also reflecting my state of mind, and stating my fear. This can help further the conversation and allows the other person a chance to share their side of the story. My intention is to keep the connection alive, and understand, take me one step closer to meeting my need, which in this situation is, being able to meet the deadlines in a planned way.
I often slip into judgements and generalizations unconsciously. I use the same self- deprecating language with myself, and others. My missing a day of meditation is not as earth shattering as the number of guilt-laden judgements I make about myself. And this continuous beating of the Self takes its toll and takes me further away from myself. A little self-empathy and talking to the Self in the NVC way is helpful: “I am caught up with work last 3nights and I am unable listen to the alarm. It will help me if I close work at a decided time and set and alarm as a reminder to get off work! I will start that today itself.” This takes me one step closer to meeting my need of not -missing meditation.
Hope the above makes sense and piques your curiosity. Any questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out @sharanya.dinesh@healingheartfully.com
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