This is a continuation of the previous post on non-communication. I tried to answer how we can respond when we are in a situation where the significant other is non-communicative, or non-responsive, not available. This blog attempts to answer what we need to do when we ourselves build a wall of silence around ourselves. We use this silence as a strategy to protect ourselves and rationalize that this is a way to keep peace. A method used to protect the self from further pain. It can also be because one is too shy or too proud to expose their vulnerability.
The four pillars of communication remain the same, be it with others or be it with the Self. In this case we are applying the NVC pillars to the self and observe the self without judgement. Let’s identify our feelings and the underlying need. Lastly, we make a request with the self, which will take us one step towards meeting our need.
The first suggestion offered is, ask yourself if these strategies are serving you anymore. Is this wall helping you maintain the peace of the house, or of the self? The strategy chosen is contributing to your happiness, or is there a need that is still unfulfilled in you, and seeking fulfilment? We may still be seeking a solution because the strategy has lost its purpose. We remain angry, guilty or frustrated with our own non-responsiveness, and silence. So, what is my need now? This silence is my choice, yet it is not helping me anymore. What do I seek? Maybe acknowledgement from the significant other, or maybe validation, or a chance to be heard?
Maybe the heart is now seeking a chance, a moment where you can be courageous enough, to be vulnerable at the risk of being ridiculed. If the strategies are not working for you, a change needs to be made. In the heartfulness way, or the non-violent communication way, let us keep our hearts open at the cost of being hurt again and again.
As the famous poet Khalil Gibran writes,
“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
If the relationship matters, the connection matters, then we will be willing to risk being hurt again and again.
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