To give a brief introduction about Nonviolent communication; it is centered around expressing oneself in a way that takes us one step forward in meeting our needs. The four pillars are observation in a non-judgmental and neutral way, identifying the feeling which takes us to need that is alive in us at that moment, and lastly placing a request in a way that helps us take one step forward in meeting that need.
This journey I have embarked on, of trying to communicate heartfully, has opened a pandora’s box for me. It is introspective, prompting me to dig deep into my feelings and needs.
The last session one participant asked for a recourse for non-communication. If the significant other does not respond, refuses to listen what should the other person in the relationship do?
In a relationship, we end up doing things we don’t enjoy because we think they will enhance our life later. Somewhere along the line, without our realization, we build a silent wall, waiting for those good days to turn the tide. This habit of accepting long silences, non-responsiveness, non-communication becomes unbearable after a point in time.
How can we penetrate this wall, was the query. One answer was to seek to find out what lay beneath the silence of the significant other. The silence or non-responsiveness can be because of the unmet needs of the significant other. Every expression of anger is a deep unmet need aspiring to be fulfilled. Is it possible for us to be empathic to the other person? In our own sadness, anger and frustration, is our empathy brimming to express compassion to the other?
If this struggle is an old one, then the answer will most likely be negative. Marshal Rosenberg then suggests us to fill our own empathy cup. Be compassionate and kind to yourself first.
If the relationship is important and we want to keep the connection alive, it is imperative to recover and be happy about yourself. Our emotional recovery starts when we shift our focus and perspective. Instead of pointing fingers at others’ behavior and trying to find out why they have built a wall around themselves, it is time to look at oneself. I tried to stop judging other people and stop categorizing their every flaw, or misdeed. I began to take responsibility for my feelings.
If I was annoyed with someone, I looked at what my underlying needs were, and I set out to meet them rather than be annoyed. Eventually, I grew to understand that I can be happy now if I choose to be. I can focus on what works rather than what doesn’t.
Don’t decide to be happy later. Be happy now. Shift your perspective, and slowly you will be able to transform your experiences.
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