The other kind of request is connection request. The focus is on keeping the connection and door for further communication open. We may not get our request or need met immediately. Here we are paving the way for an enriching future.
If I take the example of my daughter not keeping her room as clean as per my expectations; this makes me feel like she does not care for me and my needs. If she cared for me, she would know that I want her to keep her room as per my standards. I can use my mother power and ask her to clean the room, use emotional pressure too. And that does get me a clean room, and I get an unhappy daughter too.
It would not be a request to ask, ‘Would you show me that you love me?’ (or care for me, or respect me…) The problem with this request is that it is not doable, and the ways of expressing are different for each person. How can we quantify or qualify what love, respect, care is? And if the other person expresses love, care the way they know, how does it translate for the recipient? Showing love is not something a camera can take a picture of. So, a doable request can be phrased as, ‘Would you be willing to sit on the couch now and listen to me tell you about my day for 5 minutes without saying anything?’ (This is my way of knowing that I am heard, and that makes me feel cared for, having the undivided attention of the other person whilst I talk.) The request is in the present, doable and I am keeping the connection alive. If the request is met, the other and me, both will know that it has been met!
My willingness to listen to a ‘No, I cannot attend to your request at the moment, I can come back in …’ tells me if I made a genuine request or in the guise of a request, was I making a sneaky demand. The difference between requests and demands is my next post😊
My favorite trainer, Yoram, shares lovely examples in his workshop. It is an interactive, humorous session realistically covering the four pillars of NVC. I will recommend the readers to watch his video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ-ctpWQkZA
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