Continuing with the fourth tool, Requests, I have mentioned the cardinal rules to be aware of when making a request; request is in the present, it is doable, and rejection can be the response to the request.
Depending on the situation or the event we can tailor our request, as requests can be action oriented or connection centric. NVC suggests that we make requests using “positive action” language, positive in the sense that we request what we want the other person to do rather than what we want them not to do. As, negative requests can create confusion as to what we’re asking for. In his book Speak Peace in a World of Conflict, Rosenberg explains, “We get to a different place with people when we are clear about what we want, rather than just telling them what we don’t want.”
Taking the example of my colleague coming late, I can make a request saying, “You are late for last three meetings, and I am afraid I will miss the deadlines or will need to work late which is stressful to me. It will be helpful if you come are not late in future so we can get the work done. Does that work for you?” In case the colleague is already troubled and is unable to meet this request, the response will not be to my liking. Moreover, asking them to not to be late be is vague as I have not made it clear when the next meeting is, and what is the time commitment I am expecting, what is the role of the colleague without which the work cannot move forward. Most of the important details are still in the air, and unclear. Also, such negative requests are more likely to provoke resistance. The colleague may feel cornered or not understood and the willingness to comply is lost.
Thus, to make an action centric request, it is better I focus on what I need the colleague to do. If I convey, “Your work is flawless. To meet the deadlines, we need your presence and expertise. Last three meetings you came after the presentation was done, and we were sorely missing your eye for detail. Can we please talk about this for 5-10 minutes at 12:00 pm so I know what concerns you have and how we can ensure that you can make yourself available for the meeting, scheduled for next Monday. Will it work for you?”
This still gives room for the colleague to say ‘no’ and give me an alternative time. The pressure to be present on time is eased, and I keep the doorway open for further communication.
Hope this makes sense, any questions, please write @ sharanyadinesh@healingheartfully.com
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