I shared a little about the first tool of Marshal Rosenberg’s Non-violent communication, Observation. Feelings is the second pillar, recognizing your feelings and the feelings of the other. To keep with the continuity and flow, I will stay with the same examples I shared previously, my observation for myself, my colleague, and my daughter.
My observation for my daughter, and her room not being up to my standards of orderliness can include my feelings and be curious about her feelings too. I am first trying to understand my feelings. What am I feeling when I call my daughter lazy and irresponsible? I am angry because she does not keep her room clean. I am frustrated that she does not listen to me when I ask her to keep things organized! I am a little scared for her, as to how she will manage her life when she leaves the nest. Every feeling is a tragic expression of some unmet need.
Marshal Rosenberg advises us to keep the focus on the self to identify the feelings. The actions of the other can be a trigger or catalyst for our feelings. Being able to take responsibility for our feelings is the first step. A dirty room distresses me, and I am willing to take responsibility for these feelings of frustration. Feelings also have a physical expression to them, like when my colleague missed the meeting for the 3rd time, I noticed a palpable shortness of breath, and I was breaking my knuckles in nervousness. I was worried and afraid, and all I could think then was how irresponsible my colleague is! I was eager to blame my fear and worry on the team member, the trigger to my feelings.
These feelings of anger, guilt, shame and depression contribute to violence with the self, and the other. And Marshal Rosenberg goes on to add that these four feelings have resulted in most of the violence perpetuated on the planet. This thinking is not conducive to anyone’s wellbeing. To help us, Marshal Rosenberg has bifurcated feelings and non-feelings. Feelings are those for which we can take the responsibility and onus, and non-feelings are those which like to include the other to blame.
I will continue with Marshal Rosenberg’s insights on recognizing these feelings, non-feelings, acknowledge them and seek a way to work with them amicably.
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