Continuing with the previous post, about the second tool of NVC, Feelings. Trying to keep our focus on the feelings and not the triggers which resulted in the said feelings is the first step. Also, doggedly try and narrow them down to your feelings, conscious of the fact that you can take responsibility for them. For example, my colleague’s delay is a trigger for my anxiety and anger, but what lies beneath those feelings is some unmet need of mine.
Identifying feelings is easier if we associate them to the physical expression that is then prevalent in us as and when these thoughts race in our head. Like my anxiety and anger, is my head pounding and my heart throbbing faster. That helps me to connect to my feelings for which I can take responsibility. I am afraid for myself, this delay may cost me my promotion, increment and that has a ripple effect which are at the root of this feeling of anger.
Focusing on how wrong the other person is, like the late coming colleague, I am thinking how that person ought to be taught a lesson; deserves to lose his /her promotion, or maybe reprimanded by the manager. Verily, this demotion, reprimand only perpetuates more ill-feeling in the other and does not do me any good either! Similarly, I can shout at my daughter and use the power of parent authority over her and force her to clean her room. But again, how does it help me in the long run? My daughter may grudgingly keep her room clean but is she happy with it? Also, has my authority over her brought us closer or has it caused a wedge in our relationship? Was this my intent, to create a wedge between my daughter and me? Definitely not! Yet this non-feeling way of thinking does exactly that.
Unfortunately, what we have been conditioned to feel is almost always detrimental to our well-being and does not contribute to meeting our needs. Four feelings which we can be aware of and caution ourselves that we are on a path which is not helpful are anger, guilt, shame and depression. When we identify any of these, we need to be conscious and pay heed to the alarm bells that we are thinking in a way we have been taught, or conditioned to think and it is not conducive to promoting peace within or without.
As long as anger, guilt, shame and depression are directed towards the other, they instigate violence. On the other hand, these feelings when directed towards the self, can help us dig deeper, unravel our true feelings. Anger disconnects us from the needs which are at the base of our anger, and disconnected from our needs, violence becomes enjoyable. We make judgements in our head, perpetuating judgemental feelings. Others can be the stimulus, but the feelings are always because of our own conditioned thinking.
Thus, Marshal Rosenberg requests us to be conscious of the thoughts that race within. What are they perpetuating, and how many of these feelings can I take responsibility for? Learn to separate the feelings from the non-feelings. Once we identify the feelings, rush to identify the needs, which is the next tool of NVC.
Link for list of non-feelings or faux feelings - http://compassionateinteractions.com/resources/index.php?content=faux
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