We are on to the third tool of NVC, Needs. As a quick re-cap, Marshal Rosenberg generously offered the world a new way of self-expression. A way which focuses on meeting the needs of the person, with integrity and honesty. The four main tools of NVC are Observation, Feelings, Needs and Requests. I have already shared the first two tools, Observation and Feelings. This is an attempt to put forth my understanding of the third and the pivotal tool, Needs.
Needs are what drive us, dictate all our actions and thoughts. And yet, most of us are raised in a way that we are conditioned to not acknowledge our needs. If we do become aware of them, our upbringing and culture make us feel guilty or ashamed of our needs. Resultantly, we either suppress them, or live in denial about our true selves. Becoming aware of our needs is the first step to being able to communicate with integrity, courage, and freedom.
Judgement and diagnosis trigger feelings which are a mix of anger, guilt and shame and these feelings point us in the direction of our unmet needs. To stay with the same example; I am feeling frustrated by my daughter’s behaviour (she not keeping her room tidy or not up to my standards of cleanliness) because my need for order, predictability is not being met. I feel frustrated because my need is for order, things in their respective place are calming for me. I find it easier to find things, and it saves me a lot of time, and mental space. And these are all my needs! And my getting irritated and angry with my daughter, only make me feel worse about myself! I end up apologising to her for losing my cool and justify my actions. I coerce her to follow my rules, whether she is agreeable to them or not. If my sense of order appeals to her, she may comply, willingly or grudgingly. If it does not meet her needs then this will become a vicious circle, she slips every few days, I lose my cool and then I use my mother-power over her, and it continues.
Consequently, my needs and her needs, remain unmet and we remain dissatisfied. I will continue with needs in the next post, where I will try to differentiate between needs and being needy. And also encourage the reader to be conscious of their needs and work towards meeting those needs.
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