Before starting on the suggestions offered by Dr. Carol Dweck, to work on ones’ mindset, I wanted to share a few comments, observations shared by Dr. Dweck which terrified me to the core. I was feeling and experiencing the harm my fixed mindset had caused, and to think that there are more fixed mindsets out there, scares me. I could not fathom the damage fixed mindset was causing and passing it on to the future generations.
“Children as young as toddlers pick up these messages from their parents, learning that their mistakes are worthy of judgement and punishment. Or learning that their mistakes are an occasion for suggestions and teaching.”
There is an instance in the book, where a child who scored A levels all her life, suddenly started scoring Fs’ just when her graduation was coming to an end. Her parents had groomed her to go to Harvard, and here she was in Dr. Dweck’s office wanting to change her subject and study psychology. Not studying in Harvard was not an option for her parents. The message they kept giving her was, “We don’t care about who you are, what you’re interested in, and what you can become. We don’t care about learning. We will love and respect you only if you go Harvard!”
I cringed and wanted to dig a deep hole and burrow myself into it! I am guilty of pushing (I thought it was steering and guiding) both my children into things they did not want to do, but I thought it was imperative that they learn, because these skills would help them in the long run. Despite my best interests, my actions were adversely affecting the personality of my children. “It not just I am judging you. Its I am judging you and I’ll only love you if you success- on my terms.”
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