All of us subconsciously and consciously acknowledge the value of listening. As a therapist the value of this skill was known to me too, but I understood the essence of true listening much later, through meditation, and non-violent communication. James Clear’s tips were a reminder to assiduously imbibe this core skill.
Practicing listening as intended heals the person who is heard. Listening is not paying attention to the words alone. It is the ability to step into the shoes of the other, focus on the whole being, their body language, expression, what is said and more importantly to what is unsaid. In the heat of the moment most lose the capacity to reason, weigh their words or be measured in what they are expressing. The flow takes over and many unsavory anecdotes are likely to get spewed out. Despite what is thrown our way, to practice listening, we need to simply be there.
To practice deep listening, one has to be empty, one has to be self-less, and compassionate. Being there with the awareness that your chance to speak up and express yourself may or may not ever come, and yet the focus is on alleviating the pain of the other! When the listener is only partially present, the other person may get aggravated and worsen the situation. Instead of being a halfhearted listener, it is better to ‘not listen’ and honestly apologize is NVC’s suggestion.
The great saint and philosopher, Thich Nhat Hanh describes the power of listening and the true impact it has on the person being listened to. In ‘deep listening’ his interview with Oprah Winfrey, he says, “Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of the other person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose, to help him or her to empty their heart. And if you remember that you are helping him or her to suffer less, then even if he says things full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable to continue to listen with compassion, because you that listening like that, with compassion you give him or her a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him or her to correct his or her perceptions, and you wait for another time, and for now you listen with compassion and help him or her to suffer less. And one hour like that can bring transformation and healing.”
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