Continuing with my previous post on Self-Empathy, here is an exercise enabling a deep dive into the self and an understanding of our needs. Digging a little into ourselves helps us identify the path our thinking is taking. In the heat of the moment what we see is only what is on the outside, the tip of the iceberg so to say. It is the tip that causes the damage, but what gives that small tip its strength and support is submerged within the waters, invisible yet having profound impact.
This Iceberg exercise is not exclusive to NVC. It is recommended and suggested in leadership seminars, self-development workshops, and in many counselling sessions. The essence of the exercise is the same, whichever platform it may be advertised, and suggested.
In the heat of the moment all kinds of thoughts arise, aggravated by the behavior of the other. The more the focus on the other, the more disconnect from our inner-self, and we move away from our own feelings and needs. The focus remains on the explicit behavior of the other, convoluting our behavior and thoughts. It is in such times that this exercise is most useful. Take a deep breath, use the power of a long pause, and create the iceberg in your head.
Most of my friends to whom I have suggested this tell me that it is very difficult to keep your sanity and composure when you are in the middle of an ongoing heated battle, especially if it’s family, and even if it is related to work! It is the same with me too! In the heat of the moment everything, unfortunately, flies right out of the window. Every self-justifying, self-rationalizing argument happens and what most justifies and condones my behavior, I allow that thought prevail.
That’s when Marshal Rosenberg’s suggestion helped me. He says, devote 10 minutes every day to practice this iceberg exercise. Pick a mild instance, your trigger and behavior are the visible part, all the justifications and rationalizations are a little below, the second layer. Gently, keeping your eyes closed, dig deeper, and ask yourself if the behavior and rationale hold ground, and what needs of yours are met by thinking, behaving the way you did. How has it helped you, and what did you feel during the event and after the event. Were you successful in keep the self-connect alive? Did your action meet the intent? If the answer is yes, then you have most likely healed and do not harbor any ill-feeling for the self, and your actions. Then we can dig a little deeper and offer consolation or healing thoughts for the other. The person who was part of this aberration.
If the healing has not happened, then offer yourself the much-required self-empathy. You feel angry because, what need remained unmet? You feel frustrated, the trigger was? Which feeling or need is still unfulfilled? And how best can you heal yourself. Feel it and heal it.
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