Every therapist, friend, well-wisher or counsellor has the same advice when they talk about relationships, express your love to the significant other in your life. The bone of contention is that there is a mismatch in this very expression of love! And this difference is what causes friction and dissatisfaction in the relationship. They are sincerely puzzled as to why their loved ones do not demonstrate love in ways that seem so obvious to them and will undoubtedly meet their expectations.
It's God’s unique sense of humour; the very love which is the unifying force, becomes the cause of friction and disparity, because He created many expressions of love and matched partners who express differently than expected.
The common expressions of love are:
Spending time together
Giving and receiving gifts
Words of encouragement, care or appreciation expressing belief in one another’s ability
Helpful behaviors
Physical affection, expressing as a hug
Where both the partners have the same way of expressing their love, and practice open communication, such couples are compatible and lead a stress free, content life. Unfortunately, this is not true for most relationships.
Between parent and child, when the child is young, toys as gifts are very exciting and the ideal expression of love. For a busy parent this is easy. These gifts become worthless as an expression of love the day the child seeks the time or attention of the parent, which the parent is still not able to offer.
During courtships days, all the above ways are expressed abundantly. We enjoy spending time, gifting, encouraging, appreciating, acknowledging the smallest accomplishment, and helping the beloved. As time passes and we are confronted with new challenges the couple falls into the trap of picking the most convenient way and assumes that’s ample. The partner may want to spend time, discuss and share events or experiences like they did in the past. Whereas the partner may find it convenient to buy expensive gifts and express continued love and commitment. As a result of not receiving the expected expression of love from the significant other, the partner may feel less loved, and the seeds for grief and discontentment are planted.
Many couples with whom I have worked have expressed that they and their partner have different ideas about what conveys love. This is because of the presumption that both will naturally want, seek the same expression, which is never the case.
Some helpful tips to communicate and know a mutual way of expression: Appreciate the other person’s actions even if they do not meet your expectation. Check with your partner what your partner needs, seeks as a sign of love from you. Gently communicate your wish and what expression of love you desire and suggest that both of you make an effort to give more of what the other needs. Remember to express gratitude, thank your beloved for putting in the efforts to change, to enable a better relationship.
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