This is my last post on non-violent communication, as far as touching upon all the topics is concerned. I will keep coming back with anecdotes as and when they occur.
Acknowledging the difficulty in practicing NVC without any help and support, Marshal Rosenberg encourages us to have an ‘empathy buddy’.
An empathy buddy can help move you forward in your NVC skills, by helping you be more connected to your feelings, and needs, and help you reframe your requests. An empathy buddy does not have to be a complex or complicated arrangement. It can simply start with agreeing to an empathic listening exchange with one other person. Over time, people can develop multiple “empathy buddies” to have ample support.
Start with one friend, preferably if the person is aware and practices NVC, as what we share with the friend is in NVC language. The friend is there to listen and respond the NVC way. In the heat of the moment, we tend to forget everything, and the focus stays on life alienating language. An empathy buddy listens whole heartedly and helps us empty ourselves. This calms us, brings things into perspective, and we recognize our needs, and are able to frame the requests in a way that they take one step in the right direction.
It is advisable to keep the session within 20 to 25 minutes and stay on one topic only, as in focusing on ‘what is alive in the person at that moment’. Keep it twice a week, where once you are the speaker and the other is the empathy buddy for you, and then you play the empathy buddy, and the friend is the speaker. A breakdown of what happens during the empathy buddy sessions is:
· Share how you have progressed this week and any challenges you faced.
· If you speak to one another regularly, then the friend may have a context already, else a 2–3-minute context for the situation is helpful.
· The intention of the buddy is to only listen, and not discuss / analyse or try to solve it!
· Your friend is the other person, with the NVC skills, and helps you role play the situation, whilst practicing NVC skills.
· Reflect on the situation and see how it has helped you build your NVC skills, and how you can address the situation the NVC way.
· Next time you are the empathy buddy😊
This way of showing empathy can seem foreign because it is so different from the way we have been taught to communicate. Most of us have learned to listen-to-respond rather than listen-to-understand. This makes it challenging when we reach out to others for empathic support. The above steps help us learn to reflect on the situation empathically. Gradually, we learn to be empathic to self and others. Many times, all we need is an empathic listener, helping us to vent and empty our heart, enabling resolutions to come from within.
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