"Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Instead of offering empathy, we often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being." – Marshal Rosenberg
In the NVC framework, being aware of the self is the key. Till we don’t know what is going on within us, we will react to situations, never be in a position to respond to them. Self-awareness gently nudges us to peel the layers. Instead of reacting we start responding to the situations. Ever so gently, our perspective shifts, without realising we find ourselves wanting to step into the shoes of the other, offer our understanding to the other. And communication with integrity, which can help strengthen relationships is possible when we can keep our feelings and needs aside, and extend a hand to understand, be curious about the other and his/her feelings. Without self-awareness, this may never fructify.
Self-awareness starts with inner connection. In the competence grid, this is termed as unconscious incompetence. Being unaware or ignorant to ones’ own thoughts and feelings. The individual does not understand or know, have the awareness of actions, words, and their impact. The individual’s connection with the Self, and others’ is missing. All actions are random, impetuous and without forethought. Self-blame and guilt, anger play a huge role when we work from the unconscious incompetence framework.
The next type is Outer connection or Conscious incompetence, where we have half a connection with others, and an awareness of how their expressions affect us. The individual lacks self-awareness but is aware of what others are transmitting. This is the most uncomfortable stage. We know a bit about self, and the other and acceptance is yet to come. This half-baked awareness causes maximum harm as we are neither keyed into the self to offer self-empathy nor are we able to express compassion to the other.
A dedicated practice of NVC gently leads us to the third part in the competence grid; the Outer Communion or Conscious competence. This is the start of a healthy level of conscious self- awareness of our feelings and thoughts and partial awareness of others’ feelings and needs behind their expressions. A conscious attempt to change is made in this part of the framework. There is conscious involvement in executing and imbibing the learnings.
When the conscious efforts put in become natural, we move into the last box of the competence grid, Inner communion. We are naturally doing things and expressing ourselves with competence, and connection with Self, and others.
Self- awareness is now second nature and lived naturally. We are integrated, and change has fructified. Our thoughts, words and actions are aligned.
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