The first few sessions into my NVC workshop, I felt an increasing sense of panic. A desolate feeling crept into me when I heard the trainer incessantly emphasize the importance of observing devoid of opinion and analysis. I was living in my own world, blaming everything on someone else, or something else. Here NVC was cautioning me, and leading me to recognize my feelings, sift the feelings from non-feelings, and be able to take responsibility for my feelings. It seemed like a mammoth task, especially if most of the time I myself am clueless about what was happening within me. If I could acknowledge my feelings, and express them in a way which was non-violent, then the next steps could be relatable.
Because of my focus on non-feelings, and life alienating way of expression, the empty state of mind, or the feeling of relief and freedom remained elusive. I found myself brimming with the need to fulfill my need; more than half of them I couldn’t identify yet. The self-blame and anger never left. The more I dug into myself the less I liked myself. The less I liked myself, the less likely it was that I could like or be non-judgmental about the other.
NVC was assuredly not going to work for me, was the conclusion I was coming to. That’s when the most important tool which precedes the four tools came to my rescue.
The four cardinal pillars on which NVC works are observation like a video camera, feelings and need to be expressed as they are, in the present moment. And the last pillar is request, a request which takes me one step in the direction of fulfilling the need and a request which has the willingness to receive a ‘no’ as a response.
That is why, before talking about the next two tools, Needs and Requests, I wanted to talk about the one tool that precedes all the four tools, Self-Empathy. To successfully implement OFNR, self-empathy is the linchpin. Before beginning a conversation do a self-check, because what follows is very dependent on my state of mind at that moment. If I want to succeed in fulfilling my needs, again a self-check is imperative. Because the way I express my feelings and needs either opens the door for further communication, or results in building more walls around myself.
If my state of mind is in a disarray, then what I observe will be colored. My feelings and needs will also be influenced by my colored observation and conclusively my request will also be on the same lines, detrimental to my own well-being, with little or no likelihood of success. Self-empathy ensures your success or failure in practicing OFNR.
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